1998-05-04-Childhood Issues

Session

Opening

Greetings Little One, it is I, A'Cilla, how may I help?

Mary: Oh, it's nice to be with you.

A'Cilla: Thank you.

Dialogue

Self Evaluation

Mary: I have lots of personal questions. Are you familiar with the things Marleena just said?

A'Cilla: Somewhat.

Mary: I think about the time and urgency and it was not resonating with me. I'm assuming that that's for someone else's benefit?

A'Cilla: Perhaps.

Mary: Because, for the first time I'm not feeling urgent about things.

A'Cilla: That is good.

Mary: I should have asked Marleena, well I did, about the constant recycling of our childhood issues, and I'm not the only one.

A'Cilla: Indeed.

Mary: But, it reaches a point where it's discouraging because it feels like no matter what, it's just going to start all over again.

A'Cilla: Perhaps it might help you to think of the different levels as... in the same sort of light you look at your movement through pre-K, and then through elementary school, middle school, high school, all ages, and you can go on and on and on. Some people take post graduate work, others go on to continue their education. It does never stop, Little One. In that sense neither does the understanding and grappling with inner issues.

This is not to say that you will not reach a point in your future that you will feel relatively clear, for indeed, that is the purpose of the exercises that you work on. With each level you step up to a higher classroom.

You resented that, or I should say, many individuals resent it... years of schooling when they thought of them as never ending and yet when they reached the end and could look back, they saw many gifts that were theirs through having walked that particular path. This can be applied to the understanding and working through the inner issues on the different levels as you become clearer, as your understanding and your perspective gains higher ground. With each of those levels you will deal with the same information, the same difficulty, yet with more information and greater understanding.

Mary: I have a real fear, there is nothing logical about it. I'm thinking of having some minor surgery because I want to look good again. Yet there is a real deep seeded fear in me that says this is vain and God will punish me for being vain. I KNOW on all levels except for this one little hidden level I guess... I'm aware that God does not punish me for any shortcomings and this is ridiculous but how do I get beyond this?

A'Cilla: Are you aware your Father in Heaven and your Father Within, wants for you to experience your life filled with the same delight in yourself that He has in you and He will support any efforts that help to bring you to a place where you can see yourself in even a small portion of the Light that He sees you in? There is nothing wrong with desiring to be beautiful on the outside for indeed your outside will eventually, in time Little One, be a true reflection of the beauty that you are on the inside.

Mary: I think that my guilt over this is not that I want to reflect my inner beauty nearly as much as my animal desire to be considered desirable!

A'Cilla: You want to compartmentalize all of these feelings. These feelings go with that and these feelings go with that, these over here go with something else. Can you not understand they are all part and parcel of the whole picture? All of these facets of yourself, Mary, belong integrated into the whole and it is to this end that we work.

Mary: Well, I'm getting there.

A'Cilla: Indeed. You have made major forward steps.

Mary: Thank you. I don't know if I have more... Oh, I wanted to thank you. I have had the opportunity to see some of the orchestration – You don't usually look at me!

A'Cilla: No. JoiLin doesn't usually let me.

Mary: Oh, she's letting you. Some of the orchestration that goes on, um… Oh, I feel very self-conscious... I'm glad JoiLin doesn't usually let you [look at me.] No I'm fine, I'm sorry.

A'Cilla: It's all right Little One.

Mary: That's just my own stuff. Um...

A'Cilla: I wanted to see what JoiLin saw and I thank her for that gift.

Mary: Is it like looking through thick glass?

A'Cilla: Somewhat.

Mary: Because I think that's how Will described it.

A'Cilla: Although I have to tell you it's getting clearer.

Mary: And what enables that?

A'Cilla: I'm not quite certain.

Mary: Interesting. Just this week with Susan brain integration therapist, wanting books for Rob in Australia, I happen to have eight cases of books plus I have enough to do my personal ministry.

A'Cilla: Funny how that works isn't it.

Mary: Wonderful. And then to trade so that Mike, my little boy, can go see her. I mean all these inter-workings. I mean, to use my expression, you guys, You guys are just amazing! I just love it. I love to see this unfolding and I don't know, does tremendous work go into all this planning and design and maneuvering? Oh, it's just so intriguing and such a joy to watch. And, to be a part of!

A'Cilla: Indeed.

Mary: And I thank you so much... for the small role I play

A'Cilla: It is not as small as you perceive it to be, Little One.

Mary: Well, it feels effortless so it feels small.

A'Cilla: (Pause)

Mary: Oh, my, I gave you something to think about? I think that's why it doesn't feel... big - because it's effortless.

A'Cilla: Yes, I'm certain that that has some role in your experience certainly.

Mary: It doesn't mean unimportant. I'm not neglecting that we all play an important role but there's, to use an analogy, whether you're the janitor or the president makes no difference, it's whether or not you're doing your job. And, doing it to the best of your ability.

A'Cilla: Indeed.

Mary: Part of me feels like there are so many things I need to be doing and I'm not, and part of me is saying, 'just go with the flow and let it unfold and all of these things that need to be done, will be done.'

So, I'm sort of caught between just letting you and all of God's representatives nudge me. Part of me just wants to let go and let God and a part of me says, “Well you're not going to be productive. You live in the material world and you better be a little bit more structured and not so laid back.” So is this truly an accurate observation?

A'Cilla: It is certainly on one level, but it is also a reality that in time, Little One, you will find a balance, an integration between the materialistic and the spiritual. It would be highly unrealistic for us to say or for us to encourage you to neglect or not recognize the need for a certain timeliness in regard to your materialistic needs.

Mary: I don't

A'Cilla: No, you do not, and yet we would not encourage you to jump completely over to the other side and say go entirely with the flow in this regard, the material side of your life. And yet, you know this. You are finding your balance and it will become even more so as time goes on. It will become effortless. You will meet the material needs of yourself and your family and yet have time in abundance to pursue the spiritual needs and desires as well. And, this was in a sense what was alluded to in regard to time, the difference in the way you perceive and experience time. We have spoken of this before and I believe Marleena touched on it as well at one point.

Mary: And yet I don't feel irresponsible. I have certain things that need to be taken care of and I take care of them but I'm not beating myself up over not writing my book, stopping to write posts.

Oh, that's another thing. I have a sense that, for example, when I answered Terry, [e-mail] that this is how you choose to work with me. It just flows. And while I haven't reached the level, or haven't a sense of your energy being present, and I can't readily hear you answer my questions in thought, that is how I am totally aware of you working with me.

A'Cilla: Yes.

Mary: And I so enjoy it.

A'Cilla: As do I.

Teacher Contact

Mary: I thank you. I look forward to the time when I will actually be able to feel your presence and I think that I will get there.

A'Cilla: Yes, in time. And yet, recognize Little One, that it could well be that this may be the only way that you experience my input. That is not the hope.

The hope is that you will indeed be able to experience on a greater level the times when we interact with one another. Yet, each mortal experiences this communication in their own unique way. And, we are not fully cognizant of why it is that your experiences differ so greatly, one from another. I tell you this simply so that you do not become greatly disappointed if it turns out that you cannot, for whatever reason, feel my presence, and if you do only on an intellectual level recognize my presence. And so, the hope is that we will continue to build on this. Your experience will continue to grow.

Mary: Well, understand that I've never been able to feel your connection therefore it's not as if I had it and then lost it. I'm quite delighted, whatever level I'm able to sense you working with me. I have a real sense of a number of the Teacher's personalities and it feels good to be developing a rapport and a bond with you.

Lately I've had Ambrose on my mind as well. I don't know if that's something that slipped through from your end or not, or if that's because I'm so closely connected to JoiLin.

A'Cilla: Or perhaps it's slipping through from his end.

Mary: Well, that was my next speculation.

A'Cilla: That would be my guess.

Mary: Which I find interesting.

A'Cilla: Ambrose is available as a Teacher to any who would wish it. And, the fact that he is JoiLin's Teacher might perhaps make it easier for you to access his wisdom.

Mary: Well I guess that male perspective could actually offset that female perspective. (Laughing) The males just annoy me. In fact, when I heard your name as my Teacher, my first thought was, “Oh good, a female, a woman!” and I was surprised at myself that I was so pleased not to have a male Teacher.

A'Cilla: I guess it's the female energy that you need, as it is the male energy that JoiLin needs.

Mary: Oh, I know. I realize what must go into matching the volunteers with a student.

A'Cilla: A great deal of thought.

Mary: Well, thank you. I'm afraid I need to close. I overdid the transcribing for awhile and so I've not been wanting to do it, so I'm keeping these sessions shorter.

A'Cilla: Understood.

Mary: I really wanted to speak with you and to thank you, to get a little more motivated to work on connecting on other levels as well as through writing. But for now I thoroughly enjoy that.

Closing

A'Cilla: Each level is necessary. Each serves a different purpose. And so now, with that food for thought, I will close this session, wishing you Little One, a delightful day. Shalom.

Mary: God-speed.

A’Cilla: Thank you