2003-09-30-David's Session

Session

Dialogue

Alana: So, you would love her as you love me, yes?

David: Yes. (slight chuckle)

Alana: Speak to me of this. We have your famous triangle, yes?

David: (chuckles) No, I don’t think so. What I am saying is that I want a lover relationship with my beloved similar to what I have with you, based on trust, based on past experience of trust, based on my perception of the experience of receiving a direct and unadulterated and accepting and embracing love.

We go through these spaces of…it feels to me like being distant from one another. In my maturity I understand the need for privacy and spaces between us…this is something different than that…I try to be patient, and then finally my fuse bursts and I have to articulate my loneliness and feeling of not being loved or paid attention to. That is what has happened. And so, out of that experience yesterday, really in the feeling of the humility of respect for love, I said, “I need some help from the teachers.” My heart was very open to help…to some kind of a handrail…we get into these crazy interlocking neuroses down here, with all of our human errors of love compounding things…and we need some clarity about how to go about being more loving to one another, and clear.

I want an intimacy with my beloved. I’ve been confused in my years with her. I’m not sure if she wants that, or knows what I’m talking about. So, bright star of the morning, could you give me some help? That sounds to me like a great muddle of a plate that I’ve handed to you, but I’m not anxious about it because I know that you know what’s going on all the time, and so therefore I turn to you.

Alana: So, you have faith in my love? (Correct.) You trust my love? (Yes.) You do not have faith in her love?

David: I’d have to say “Yes” in a great percentage of our experiences, but then I go through these periods of..where..it feels like I’m lost…I can’t see it, or feel it, or taste it, or anything.

And also, sometimes Alana I feel ashamed of my neediness…my need for this love…I feel ashamed for being needy…I feel ashamed for coming before my sweetheart and saying “I’m dying inside..I need to be touched..I need affection..I need you to show interest in me.” I feel ashamed.

Then I look at my childhood and say, “Man, you must have had a crippled childhood in some way!” It seems like there is such a huge hole in me that when I hit these pot holes in the road, it seems to throw up such an intense feeling in me…a feeling of desolation in me…It’s so crazy! Because the path is joy! And I know desolation is the wrong direction.

This a rather complex answer to your question..but it is as honestly given as possible…so to summarize: Yes, I do have faith in her love, but I also have some doubts, some serious doubts, too.

Alana: Those doubts, my friend, you have faith in them?

David: (gasp, chuckle) That’s a very surprising angle to come at this from. Let me try to get a hold of that because I am amused by your question.

Do I have faith in my doubts? I suppose the answer must be, in some sense, probably so, because I sometimes feel paralyzed. At the same time, my doubts create a great deal of terror and unrest in my soul and a loss of peace of mind.

Alana: Do you enjoy this terror and doubt?

David: No! I hate it!

Alana: There is nothing you would enjoy chewing on?

David: Nothing I would enjoy chewing on? I don’t quite understand the question.

Alana: There is nothing in this terror that you enjoy chewing upon?

David: (chuckling) Um…

Alana: Nothing you enjoy contemplating? imagining,? with your will of the imagination to terrorize?

David: I’m drawing a blank.

Alana: When you are “lost,” as you say, and in despair because you have no faith in her love for you, what do you imagine for yourself, my beloved?

David: I imagine a partner who…showed some interest in me, some aliveness toward me, possibly even some enjoyment, laughter…I especially…the sexual part of it is especially predominant, or dominant in my life…I long to have my beloved interested in me, interested in making love with me.

Alana: When you despair, and have no faith that she is these things, what do you imagine for yourself, my beloved?

David: (laughs) Alana…hmmm…what do I imagine? I imagine paying for sex! At least the lady is pretending, yes? If I have to pay for this attention, well, then, so be it. That’s one thing I imagine.

I also imagine…I see her when we were first together…the kind of beauty and the aura of love that we had for one another…and the intensity that existed between us…all the way around…particularly in the sexual area. So what I imagine, Alana, is a slight brushing of that patina from time to time upon our souls.

Alana: You do not have this now, from time to time? You do not have this “brushing” of attention and sexuality “upon your souls” from time to time, now?

David: Well…of course you do…I mean this is the best sexual relationship I’ve had in my life, hands down, across the board….but I don’t know what is wrong with me, Alana, if I go two weeks without sex I’m a maniac…I’m crazy…I just need to be stroked…I just need to be touched….it feels like I need to be touched more. I need to feel the tender hand of the female on my body.

I feel like I am on the psychiatrist’s couch today…my soul is being squeezed in some beautiful way. Thank you.

Alana: So, this is what you imagine, yes? When you enter into despair and lack of faith, doubts and terror, you imagine for yourself that you are a maniac, yes?

David: Well, I feel normal. I focus on “making love.”

I got with this program with you folks, and that was one of the first things I began to investigate, as you know so well. To me…I need the expression of making love almost on a daily basis…and why the hell not?

Excuse me. (chuckles)

Alana: And what did you learn by this immersion course?

David: I learned that to ‘make love”…if you really want to learn from this experience and you enter into this trusting, loving relationship with another human being…(I should think it would be true whatever the sex is, but for me it is the male and the female)…that to focus on this, and to make my body as healthy and as beautiful as possible, and for her to do the same, and to use this as a sacred part of ourselves where we give to each other in this way. We cultivate this flame by paying attention to it, almost like a sacred, or worship dimension of our lives together…and it takes consciousness and mentality, from my point of view.

What I imagine…what I learned from this is many, many things…that the supply of sexual energy is inexhaustible…that my idea of making love expanded tremendously…and particularly to helping me to discover that one of the things that I needed most…I hadn’t even entertained this most of my life..was that I needed to be in the arms, nakedly, with my beloved, and be at rest there, and feel so close there, and safe there...

Alana: You are not safe with your beloved?

David: No. I don’t feel safe sometimes…I feel…I don’t know if she loves me…I’m in doubt…and I feel miserable, I don’t know what’s wrong with me, why she’s not paying attention to me, and so on….

Alana: My beloved, are you paying attention to her? “Relaxed,” as you say, “nakedly in the arms of your beloved?” while you are in the turmoil of fear, doubt and lack of faith? (silence)

Or, my beloved, does your attention become focused, or shaped, by the eyes of that fear, doubt, terror and lack of faith?

What do you see when you fill with fear, doubt, and misgivings of faith. What do you see, my beloved?

David: (silence) What I see is that she seems to be absent, not present, in a way that I’m used to experiencing in her when I am not in that doubt space.

Alana: So, you see nothing, yes?

David: That’s exactly it! And my relationship with Susie, from my point of view, is so central to my life that when it gets out of balance, things don’t go so easily then, in all the departments of my life. I see darkness, in other words.

Alana: When you focus so very, very hard, my beloved, and you see nothing, how do you respond? How do you allow yourself to be shaped?

David: I respond mentally by trying to figure out what is going on. I think, she just needs to read a lot, or whatever. I try to give her as much space as she needs. What I see is that oscillating mirror effect…she perceives my giving her space as my needing space from her…but in any event, that is my initial reaction…give her space…there are other things too…when I touch her, or reach out to stroke her lovingly, or with, perhaps, a smidgen of desire..(chuckle)..and sometimes she turns away from this and I feel like I’ve repulsed her…and this is very hard for me to handle. This is what started out this last two weeks, as far as I can see.

Alana: Are you repulsive, my beloved?

David: (chuckles) I think not generally speaking, in terms of mind and body and soul…

Alana: …but just a teeny, weeny, bit, now and again, yes? here and there…sometime or another…

David: I don’t think I’m particularly attracted to being repulsive. But since childhood I’ve been attracted to stirring up fun, and feeling a little outrageous. But the main thing is, no, I don’t feel that I’m repulsive. What the repulse is about, Alana, is like if I feel that I’m trying to reach out to somebody to love, like I’m coming with a bouquet of flowers, and its brushed out of my hands…my lover part seems to be a very large part of my soul, and I have a hard time balancing this out, quite frankly.

Alana: My friend, were you to take this to the heart room to balance it out, as you say, what do you see?

David: (long silence) I see that I love Susie. That’s the first thing that I see when I bring her into the heart room. That connection is established immediately because I am in the heart room, we are in your heart room…so that is the first thing established, that the fear and doubt can’t stop the flow of love in the heart room…ok? That’s the first thing I noticed.

And I went through a number of experiences…and I’ve gone through a number of experiences…in this two week hiatus, I would like to call it…where I found that the suffering I was going through drove me to the heart room…and indeed helped me to lean more and more upon you and not make particular demands upon Susie to fill this void that I was feeling…and in many instances I came through these experiences in the heart room feeling joyful outside of the heart room and was able to share some of this with myself and with my partner. I felt much more balance this time in terms of my choosing to go into the heart room, and in the heart room, of course, my faith is increased, because I am in the presence of this undeniable love. I’ve learned to nurture myself this way.

Alana: When you see yourselves in the heart room, what is the first thing you say to her?

David: I think, probably, “I love you.”

Alana: Yes. And you have faith in this, yes? (Yes.) It is not said to nurture yourself, yes? It is said to express love, yes? (Yes.) It is given freely, yes? (Yes.) No demands, yes? (Correct.) Is she repulsed? (No.) Do you see any repulsion? (No.) Are you concerned for your needs, wants, and desires in the heart room? (No.) Do you count the days in the heart room? (No.) Are you aware of the time passing? (No.) Have you paid attention to how many times you have or have not been in the heart room with her, when you are in the heart room?

David: I didn’t get that question, please?

Alana: Are you calculating the fairness in the heart room?

David: Ahh…No.

Alana: So, thank you, I will allow Legion to come and speak with you as I leave you with this one thought: practice. Practice being in the heart room with your “beloved,” as you call her. Yes?

David: Yes. Do you have a specific form? Or method? I can practice being in the heart room privately, and she can do that, or do you also intend that we should sit together and be in the heart room in that time-space together.

Alana: I speak to you, my beloved. Just now, I asked you to step into the heart room with her, yes? I asked you what did you see? What did you feel? What did you think? How was it there, yes? This, my beloved, I ask you to do…now, and now, and now…yes?

David: I understand. Thank you.

Alana: Thank you.

Legion: Yes, this is Legion.

David: Welcome, Legion.

Legion: Thank you. You would buy the love that is freely given?

David: You would?…please repeat that?

Legion: You had thoughts to purchase love, yes?

David: (laughter)

Legion: That would be quite fascinating for you, yes?

David: Well, at least from the point of view that I’ve never done it before, to my knowledge.

Legion: And so you would have something new, yes?

David: Well, something that I could count on…something that was more in my hands…if I had the money in my hand, to give to make love, to have sex, whatever might eventuate there…what I am seeking is something that is steady, that is regular, that I count on…it’s like nutrition.

Legion: This is a capital idea, is it not?

David: (laughing) That’s a wonderful double entendre. (laughter) Why does it sound so ridiculous when you are talking about it? (laughter) I hope no one else ever sees this tape.

Legion: Why, my friend? You fear to look ridiculous? Or you fear to look repulsive?

You can not discipline human curiosity, and desire for control, and yearning for un-ending satisfacation, by fear and doubt. These (fear and doubt) are insufficient for discipline.

The discipline of love is discipline by love. The discipline of love is the discipline of joy. Allow love to discipline your fears and doubts, your human mind and heart. The discipline of love brings joy with no shame, no guilt, no fear, no doubt.

David: How does one bring about the possibility of allowing love to discipline love in one’s life?

Legion: You do not resort to reason, my friend. You run as fast as you can to the heart room! (David chuckles.) Do you understand that discipline?

David: Yes. There is something almost mechanical when I get into situations where there is emotional intensity and upset. My mind begins this cock-shuttle reasoning or thought process. I have no idea where it all comes from. It seems to arise automatically. It seems to be of an order of infinity. I have done exactly what you describe in the past. I am realizing quite clearly now that we have to be like little rabbits and scurry for shelter into the heart room. I realize that is the only safe harbor. So you are saying that the way love disciplines love is by … the way we can get into that groove is through turning to the heart room. Yes?

Legion: Yes. The heart room has no expectations, no demands. In the heart room the mind and the heart are in balance, are balanced out by the heart room. This safe harbor, as you called it, allows you to know love is fair. You love freely, giving and receiving love without doubt, without fear. In the heart room it is so easy; so much better to give love, even than to receive, yes? For love is flowing. You experience no absence of love in the heart room. Bring your mind to me frequently so that we may use the discipline of love to cleanse the mind and the heart so that they may work together.

David: What do you mean by “bring your mind to me?”

Legion: That which you are minding. That which bothers you. That to which you are devoting negative attention, or negative thoughts. All those ways in which your mind convinces your heart that you are bereft and lonesome and terrorized and fearful and doubtful of survival so that you turn, not to the heart room, but to that which the human knows on the planet as “material,” such as, shall we say, paying money in exchange for pretend love. Yes? Like the priests of old.

Bring your mind to me (that precious jewel of yours, that brilliance, that shining star of intelligence) and I will brush it with my discipline of love. Then you will see how the mind was disconnected from the heart. You will see how the mind was disconnected from all love. You will see how the mind was disconnected from the source of love, disconnected from the comfort of pure love (which is “love is the truth” in which you know, trust. and feel secure regardless of circumstance). Then you gladly will surrender to the discipline of love. You gladly surrender to the heart room and allow change and growth to be welcomed with love. You do not scurry around in the mind trying to invent anything but love. Have I been useful today?

Closing

David: Yes. You made me laugh!

Legion: That is good, yes?

David: Yes. I’m looking forward to reading and studying what you and Alana have said today. I needed your help. I thank you both for your presence today. I am humbled to think that those of you who have come from so far are willing to spend time with us lowly human beings stumbling around like little blind kittens. I am humbled to think that you have lent your wisdom and experience to what I consider to be the very homely experience that I have brought to you today. Thank you…and to my beloved for transmitting.

Legion: Yes. Thank you. It is love that allows you to come to me and me to come to you.

So, we will thank our Father, our Mother, for the blessings that They will us to know, the blessings of love. It is our Mother’s, our Father’s will that we know their love, and give their love away. May you know that love dwells within, and in the certainty of this, our love, you will feel safe to love again, and again, and again. Thank you.