Talk:2002-03-03-Pleased by the Unexpected

I would like to say some things to the group today about transparency. And wish to notify you that I would appreciate your assistance. Perhaps we could experiment a little in a eyes wide open sort of transmission. I am willing to yield myself to this experiment.

I would like to run through some ideas with you on this right now. It seems obvious that the opposite of transparency is to hide. We hide out of fear. It is an old animal instinct. And we try to hide behavior or attitudes because we fear that their revelation would make us feel guilty, or we fear confrontation with another. I felt obliged for the first 40 years of my life to hide my anger. On the other hand, we hide things from others because we know that we have been unkind, or untruthful, or any number of other behaviors that in reality make us ashamed of ourselves, and therefore we try to hide these behaviors.

Having made these remarks about what transparency is not, being transparent is the result of several of a series of growing steps. This begins with a conscious acknowledgement and acceptance of the fact that I am an evolutionary creature, prone to make mistakes; acknowledgement that I am in a trial and error situation, that is, I am always in a learning situation. Another way of putting this is that we are mere toddlers on the spiritual path. To picture oneself in this way, and it is a reality, is to allow oneself the comfort of knowing that it is no cause for shame when in learning to walk we fall down often before we learn the knack of the thing.

Another angle on this first step of allowing yourself mistakes, is to become eager to learn of one’s patterns of learned behavior that prevent the flow of love. This is the value of a group. Out of this spirit of the eager student, one can learn to grow right in front of another person, even a group of people. One of the illustrations of this idea is the experience we had as a group last Sunday. I made a remark that precipitated Sandy’s coming unglued. She did not try to hide her upset. She did not repress her anger, only to let it squirt out later in some sharp little remark. Sandy shared with us the nakedness of her pain at my remark and perhaps some of the pain of her sense of loss. This was open. She was transparent. And therefore so much easier to deal with than if she had chosen to mask her feelings. Thank you Sandy for that gift to us. And though Sandy walked out in a natural move to get control of her emotions, I hope she realized and realizes there is no need for shame about our human reactions. Our accepting of all of ourselves is the road to transparency, and is, of course, one avenue we can choose that takes us to the place where we can truly love ourselves.

We all have patterns that prevent love. It is nothing to be ashamed of. Some of these patterns were developed almost automatically when we were small, and before we were quite fully conscious of what was going on. So, it is not as though we were guilty of some sin or failing when these patterns reveal themselves. This process is simply one of cleaning the channel so love can flow as undisturbed as possible.

The development of transparency with one another is inextricably lined up with the value of trust in our group. If you can see the honesty, the transparency in your sister or brother, you have a tendency to trust them. You do not have to fear that this person is holding a secret grudge against you. So transparency is a part of the nature of love, for we already know that perfect love casts out fear.

Transparency is a growth experience. It does not come all at once, and then you don’t have to deal with that anymore, it is behind you. No, it is like the experience of love, it is now a little more, and now even a little bit more.

Transparency lightens our load. It is a heavy burden to carry what must be hidden. To have to hide something is to always be in at least a slight burden of tension, in that it is always possible that someone, some day, may "find out." So it is an act of courage to shed shame in front of ourselves and others.

But we are greatly enabled in this path toward the ideal of transparency through the gift of the teacher’s presence in our lives. It is through our discovery, our openness, to this source of love, that we have found what satisfies. We have discovered that we are indeed loved beyond our imagining. And it is the drawing power of this love that enables us to take daring steps onto the path of transparency. We prize our teacher's love dearly. We are hooked on the quality and quantity of this love. This has the power to motivate us to deal as candidly as possible with those patterns that prevent the flow of this love. This love draws us on to the disciplines of our tongues, our bodies, our minds, our emotions. The love of the teachers gives us the courage to change. This love gives us the courage to listen in the midst of our outrage, our self-righteousness, our self-pity, whatever stew we might find ourselves in. And as we learn to listen, to take in love at the moment it is most needed, indeed we have already changed. We have opened. Our pattern has been to close ranks inside ourselves, either to defend or attack, assume a large and warlike posture, and hide our pain at all costs. So you see, just to listen is a miracle in itself. And it creates a miracle for the other as well, for they have the experience of being listened to and believe me that is a miracle in this world.

So I am just offering some beginning musings on this assignment of our group on the fairness and courtesy of love. Because transparency has worked so wonderfully in my relationship with my partner, is the main reason I am prepared to recommend it. I would have to say, that, hands down, being transparent with her at certain critical junctures in our journey together has demanded the highest type of courage to ever challenge me.

And last, I would just like to raise the issue of our transparency before the teachers as an idea to pursue in the coming days. The fact that we have invited the teachers into our lives is an invitation to transparency. They not only see everything going on in our lives, including motivations, emotions, and thought patterns, which are ordinarily easily hidden from others, but they know and understand these things far more clearly than we do. They know everything. We do not need to hide from them or pretend that they didn’t notice that slight cutting edge to our voice. Once we realize this state of affairs is something we are cooperating in, and are partially responsible for, the next step is realizing that they continue to love us. They continue to love us in spite of the fact that we are sometimes not quite disciplined in our practices, that we have pornographic as well as any number of other "sordid emanations" in our minds, that we are addicted to unhealthy practices, and so on. It is utterly liberating to realize I am loved just the way I am. Oh yes, we have been wonderfully accepted by other human beings who indeed knew quite a bit about us. But never have we been accepted and loved by beings who know what these, our teachers, know. I am free. No need to cover up. We have found some teachers who continue to love us, no matter what. To accept the acceptance of the teachers is a tremendous boost on the path of accepting ourselves. Like the teacher said, "practice seeing yourself as God sees you."